No Fake-Backs!

I wonder.
How often do we actually know what we want?
I'm not referencing anything right now.
Just good, pure, thought.

And if we know what we want, and we think it's right . . .

I s it really right?
When do we know?

I'm sure that's just one of the many beauties of life: not knowing.

Sometimes never knowing.

. . . do we always never know?
And we just guess at what is right and act?
And never know what we never know?
Until death?


Dang.


That's the problem with thinking, man.
Sometimes you actually think clearly.
Scary.

I have a few inspirations.
People. Mostly.
Some I know. Some I don't.
Most I don't.

Is inspiration . . . creepy?
Like . . . stocker - ish?

Especially if you don't know them?
And they're not a celebrity?
I don't think so.

Oh. Tangent on celebrities:

I used to be way into the E! channel.
Until I realized. . . . WHO CARES?!!

Celebrities are so not real.

Maybe I don't have the right or proper knowledge and/or experience to say this . . and that . . but,

To me, they have no simplicity.
It's all BIG and attention needy and . . . I don't know.
Well, I mean, I know what I'm trying to say but I can't think.
So , I don't think.

?

Tangent number two:

Is it bad if I'm not hungry to read? Find quotes? Be philosophical?
Am I considered . . . . . . . . . typical?
Boring?
Unreal?

(there's that "real" work again)

Or can I just be me? And still be considered real?

Are we real?


Or are we real fakes?

Should we care? As long as we're happy? And aknowledging that the good Lord gave us the ability to experience happiness?

Like I said earlier,


Dang.

Insanity or Peace?

Well, this last week has certainly been a whirlwind, computer.
I wish you were there to witness it all because then I wouldn't have to type all of this. . .

Anywho,

Basically Hume was fan-frickin-tastic.
I forgot how much fun high school is.
Kajabe (still don't know how to spell that) was nuts.
Rec, all though slightly disappointing that we didn't win, was crazy as it should be.

And after all of that, I pretty much have a job waiting for me next summer and I'm pretty sure it's as a pondy lead. That would be sweet.

I mean, here is a job that I dreamed of having when I was a camper and now instead of working towards it as a lifeguard or H.A.G. it's practically being thrown at me. I mean, the leader of the camp asking me to work for him. Why would ANYONE ever say no?

They wouldn't.

And there's one person who doesn't understand that.

I'll give you one guess. . . . . . .

Yep.

We had a very mature, understanding conversation about the support in our relationship and how it is very one-sided. My side. Or . . . wait. . . . his side . . . right?

OK, I AM THE ONE GIVING HIM ALL THE SUPPORT AND GETTING NOTHING IN RETURN.

That's what I meant.
But I was trying to sound clever.
It wasn't working.

When he went to Colorado I didn't say no. I said, you have tons of life to live and Colorado would be great for you. I'll miss you terribly, but it will be awesome.

Same with France.

Same with triathlons.

I never once thought "he shouldn't do that because I don't want him to".

And now that it's my turn to do ONE THING during summer, he can't.

He can't support.

And I honestly believe he doesn't know how to think outside of his feelings.
He doesn't know how to be happy for someone when it has no beneficial outcome for his self.

THEN! Oh yeah, there's a "then".

We got down to school and how he thinks I should be taking summer school classes instead of working at Hume . . .

BECAUSE

. . . then I can get done with school quicker and he won't have to wait for me as long.

. . . . .

Wait for me? Why are you waiting for me? Because when you're done waiting, i'll be a nurse . . . with a career . . . and an income . . . a good one.

And you'll be . . . . a triathlete, maybe. . . . who works at a bike shop?

And you think I'M making unproductive choices? wow.

And THEN, we got down to the nitty gritty, where the sun don't shine, people.

He thinks I won't ever be a nurse. That I won't ever finish school. That I will keep putting "fun things" ahead of "need to do things" and he thinks Hume is a "fun thing".

Naturally, I would be screaming and crying at him at this point.

I wasn't .

By the grace of God I was SO AT PEACE .

This last week totally changed me.
It made me realize that God is REALLY going to take care of me and not everyone he puts in my life is meant to stay there.

Now, I don't know what is ahead for me and Ben but I know I'm not afraid of it.
If we're supposed to get married, GREAT!
If we're not? GREAT!

And I'm honestly ok with it all. I'm not scared.

I think it's because for the first time, I'm focused completely on pleasing God than pleasing my boyfriend.

Now, in a perfect relationship, I would be able to help Ben see this.
But, he is a VERY stubborn and narrow-minded person.

We work extremely well together and there's no way I would ever WANT to break up with him.
But it's my turn now.

Oh! And when we ended our little talk (quite peacefully) I asked him, "will you please stop underestimating me?"

He said," . . . . I'll try." And I have no idea what to do with that.

Neglect

Computer, I have neglected you.

I am sorry.

A lot has happened.

But for the most part, Ben is home and I just got back from Las Vegas.

OOOHHHHH Las Vegas.

It was a lot of fun and I'm very happy to say nothing bad happened.

Not that something bad was supposed to happen but, you never know.

Ya know?

Nevermind.

This won't be a very lengthy blog because I'm having trouble focusing right now.

Bridezillas is on . . . . now that is entertainment.