Insanity or Peace?

Well, this last week has certainly been a whirlwind, computer.
I wish you were there to witness it all because then I wouldn't have to type all of this. . .

Anywho,

Basically Hume was fan-frickin-tastic.
I forgot how much fun high school is.
Kajabe (still don't know how to spell that) was nuts.
Rec, all though slightly disappointing that we didn't win, was crazy as it should be.

And after all of that, I pretty much have a job waiting for me next summer and I'm pretty sure it's as a pondy lead. That would be sweet.

I mean, here is a job that I dreamed of having when I was a camper and now instead of working towards it as a lifeguard or H.A.G. it's practically being thrown at me. I mean, the leader of the camp asking me to work for him. Why would ANYONE ever say no?

They wouldn't.

And there's one person who doesn't understand that.

I'll give you one guess. . . . . . .

Yep.

We had a very mature, understanding conversation about the support in our relationship and how it is very one-sided. My side. Or . . . wait. . . . his side . . . right?

OK, I AM THE ONE GIVING HIM ALL THE SUPPORT AND GETTING NOTHING IN RETURN.

That's what I meant.
But I was trying to sound clever.
It wasn't working.

When he went to Colorado I didn't say no. I said, you have tons of life to live and Colorado would be great for you. I'll miss you terribly, but it will be awesome.

Same with France.

Same with triathlons.

I never once thought "he shouldn't do that because I don't want him to".

And now that it's my turn to do ONE THING during summer, he can't.

He can't support.

And I honestly believe he doesn't know how to think outside of his feelings.
He doesn't know how to be happy for someone when it has no beneficial outcome for his self.

THEN! Oh yeah, there's a "then".

We got down to school and how he thinks I should be taking summer school classes instead of working at Hume . . .

BECAUSE

. . . then I can get done with school quicker and he won't have to wait for me as long.

. . . . .

Wait for me? Why are you waiting for me? Because when you're done waiting, i'll be a nurse . . . with a career . . . and an income . . . a good one.

And you'll be . . . . a triathlete, maybe. . . . who works at a bike shop?

And you think I'M making unproductive choices? wow.

And THEN, we got down to the nitty gritty, where the sun don't shine, people.

He thinks I won't ever be a nurse. That I won't ever finish school. That I will keep putting "fun things" ahead of "need to do things" and he thinks Hume is a "fun thing".

Naturally, I would be screaming and crying at him at this point.

I wasn't .

By the grace of God I was SO AT PEACE .

This last week totally changed me.
It made me realize that God is REALLY going to take care of me and not everyone he puts in my life is meant to stay there.

Now, I don't know what is ahead for me and Ben but I know I'm not afraid of it.
If we're supposed to get married, GREAT!
If we're not? GREAT!

And I'm honestly ok with it all. I'm not scared.

I think it's because for the first time, I'm focused completely on pleasing God than pleasing my boyfriend.

Now, in a perfect relationship, I would be able to help Ben see this.
But, he is a VERY stubborn and narrow-minded person.

We work extremely well together and there's no way I would ever WANT to break up with him.
But it's my turn now.

Oh! And when we ended our little talk (quite peacefully) I asked him, "will you please stop underestimating me?"

He said," . . . . I'll try." And I have no idea what to do with that.