explosions

Computer,

This morning I woke up at 6:00am and exploded from both ends.

Literally.

I puked and crapped for a good 30 minutes. . . then went back to sleep and woke up at 10am.
So, naturally, worked sucked today.

Ryan, I'm never eating at Jester again.


On a lighter note: I feel much better.
I got to go to the beach today for about an hour and a half.
Slowly chippin' away at that tan I'm trying for.
I hope I'm black by the end of summer.
Or at least Hawaiian.

Speaking of summer, I haven't heard from anyone at Hume in almost three weeks so I'm going to assume that I won't be hired by them or there extremely unorganized.
Either way, I'm pissed because I can't keep sittting around waiting for someone to tell me what to do this summer.
. . . my plans are pretty much based around whether or not I work at Hume.
That sucks.
I should probably be an adult and call them.
I'm kind of over it though.

On an even LIGHTER note: I get to see Ben in 10 days.
Exciting.
He graduates. . . and then . . . i don't know . . . . . life?
I'm kind of nervous because he comes up with some pretty wild plans for himself, but usually it all works out.
I'm pretty neutral about it all.
He's smart about stuff.


I have quite a load waiting for me in the fall.
anatomy, anat lab, chem, chem lab, stats, cross country, and kickboxing.
oh yeah, and a job.
and . . . I guess a life too.
The funny thing is, I'm so excited about it.
Because it all feels so right.
I think this is the first time I know for sure what I'm getting myself into and I know exactly what to expect and I know how to handle it.
Plus I know it's where I'm supposed to be.

THAT is an accomplishment in itself.

family

What do you do when you feel like the only string keeping your family together and sane?

I've been trying to figure that out for years now.

I mean, I know what to do and I'm doing it, but . . .

how am I supposed to handle it?

Like, be pure about it.

I don't want to put up a fake front and make people think I'm calm and collected when on the inside I'm really like a town that got ripped apart by a tornado. . . it's chaotic.

It's actually not that gruesome, I just have an unbelievable amount of stress that I can't seem to get rid of, no matter what changes I make in life.

My mom is an emotional train wreck.

One day she's the funnest person to be around and the next she's crying herself to sleep because her boyfriend called her at 8 o'clock instead of 7 o'clock.

It's way worse than that, but I'm not here to bash my mom via internet.

I can't tell if she's genuinly hurt by all of these events or if she's just feeling sorry for herself.

I'm pretty sure she's just feeling sorry for herself.

We used to have the kind of relationship where I would tell her things about herself or give her advise and she would graciously take it to heart.

Now, whenever I tell her ANYTHING she reacts like I'm viciously attacking her and . . . ugh.

Honestly, I'm the mother now and she's the daughter who I'm taking care of.

What about me?

Who's taking care of me?

Where's MY role model?

And Ben is no help because whenever I tell him what's going on, the only words of encouragement are "You should move to Colorado".

Thanks. Love you too.

I pray for strength every night and day, but I just don't feel anything except pain and frustration.

Maybe I should start praying for patience, huh?

I ran so far

Yesterday I ran.
Yesterday I ran on the trails.
Yesterday I ran on the trails by my house.
Yesterday I ran on the trails by my house and rolled my ankle so hard that I thought I lost my foot and didn't know how I was going to get back home because I only had one foot.



. . . . . . . . . . . . .




Luckily I didn't roll it that bad.
I still had two feet.
And I could still run.

You know out of all the years that I have been a runner, I have never been seriously injured and until today I have never realized how big of a blessing that is.

Or is it?

Does that just mean I'm not pushing myself hard enough?
Or am I a smart runner?
Or just blessed?


Ultimately I would like to think I'm blessed.

Yes, that's it.
Out of shape and blessed.
. . . . I'm working on that first part.


My upper lip is twitching on the left side.
Weird.
It feels like there's a bug underneath my lip. . . .


Have you ever had your butt twitch, computer?
Well, you don't have a butt . . . but I do.
Now THAT is a weird feeling.

But this upper lip thing. . .
I feel like Elvis.

Once

I saw a movie last night called 'Once'.
It was amazing.
I recommend it for anyone who loves music.
Anyone.

It's like a love/success story, but it's not predictable.
The other people I was watching it with thought it was slow, but I didn't notice.
I think if you appreciate music enough, . . . . . . . . . . . you won't notice either.

It won an academy award I guess.
I think for it's music.


The music is killer.


It just made me want to start a band, write songs, learn guitar, SOMETHING.

Though, there are quite a few F-bombs, that's kind of what you expect when a movie is set in Dublin, right?


I dunno.
I miss singing.
I wish there were more opportunities for it.

Old Soul

I haven't been sick in a while, but that streak of luck is gone.
I'm sick.
It's just a cold, but it still counts.
Unfortunately.

Ugh, I just hate that feeling when you sound like the Godfather, everything you consume stings your throat, and someone is playing the bongos inside your brain.

But at least I fly home tomorrow.
I was supposed to be home on Monday but weird things happened with flights and now Wednesday is my day.
I love flying.
I can't wait to come home.
I mean I'm really gonna miss Ben, but I'll get to see him in a month so no big.
I've really found a new appreciation for "home" since I've been living away from it.
I used to think it was holding me back, but it just new best.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Not Absinthe.

Flying home makes me feel like once I get home, I'm sort of starting a new life in a sense.
I feel like a different person, I'm planning different things in my life that I never would've done in the past, and the big thing of it all is . . . . . . . .badabadabadabadabada . . . . . . . . . . I'm excited about it!

Ben and I had a long argument about courtesy and anger . . . . that ended up as a discussion about stress.
It was really insightful because he was telling me that there's good stress and bad stress and you always need stress in your life because it's one of the things that motivates you.

Like I said, insightful.

Now that our relationship is moving into a different realm because he's graduating/living independently now and I'm becoming more of a home body (kind of not really), our dynamics our changing.

That prompts some discussions, little arguments, small fits of rage. . . etc.
But no matter how brutal the war can be (and it's never really brutal) we always end with healed wounds and a closer relationship.
I think the major hurdle we cleared while being together these last couple of weeks is that we talked, openly and peacefully talked, about the possibility that we could not be the one for each other.

That we possibly weren't meant to be.

Now, we're nowhere near ending our relationship.
Just completely the opposite.
Which is great.
And that's what you do in a relationship:
you talk, yell, hurt and if it's right, you heal and grow with a new appreciation and love for each other.

It's great.






. . . . . I swear I'm not some 38 year-old trapped in a 20 year-olds body.

Still me, guys.