New but old post

So after much thought (actually only like 2 minutes worth) I decided to post a blog I wrote in november but never posted it because I didn't know if I should, but I did and when I posted it, it did it under the date that i wrote it, not today's date. So if you want to read it (it's pretty interesting) it's down there under "old post" on 11/5/08.

Wow.

So I'm taking anatomy.

Actually, I'm almost done with it!

Sweet.

And I have a great teacher who is so intelligent and awesome at teaching.

Side note: Isn't it funny when a teacher gets a "you're good at teaching Mr.!" comment?
Shouldn't ALL teachers be skilled at teaching? Not just knowing? Seriously.

Okay,


So in anatomy,

it's a difficult class because you're constantly expected to know every bit of detail we go over.
And I really love it, everything we learn, it's so interesting.

And though I'm not as disciplined in my study habits as I should be, I'm still in awe every Monday and Wednesday.

Just,

man,

all the tiny tiny details, your cells make your liver grow and the things that feed them and the hormone that shuts that valve so you don't have acid running through your body and the cells who's primary job is to do that and . . . . . GEEZ!

I mean i could go on forever about the absolute detail we cover and how smart the little things inside our body are and how they constantly, second by second, save our body from dying and it's like,

. . . . we don't even bat an eye as to what is going on inside there.

most of it is involuntary so we really have little control over it, which is sad because i think it prevents a lot of people from being appreciative of there body and everything in it.

But the thing that gets me the most. . .


How. Someone convince me how. All of that can exist and do what it does . . . . by accident?

That some big rocks out in space bumped into each other by chance some organisms developed that by chance we created with the ability to divide that by chance turned into multi-celled things that by chance grew legs? a heart? a brain? an ability to love? to nurture?

if so, you're telling me that the bacteria I smash everyday under my shoe is SMARTER than me?

because it's been alive the longest?

You're telling me that human existence, an absolute wonder, and the way our bodies work is existing because of a string of good luck and chance that's been going on for a couple million years or so?

Damn. If I were bacteria I would've bet money on myself because those are amazing odds!


You're telling me that there is no possible way for any superior being to have had any part in creation?

That everything works so perfectly because it just ended up that way,

by chance.




That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.



When my professor explains certain processes within the human body, he always says "an mother nature realized this would happen so she put this in our bodies so these bad things wouldn't happen".


Mother nature?

So you believe in an old hag made of wind, who is probably a greenish color, but there's absolute no way for God to exist?


Some of the smartest people in the world . . . . are so dumb.


We put germs on a pedestal but God gets the cold shoulder.



Well,

if i've learned anything in anatomy, it's that God truly is outstanding.
Like, literally.

To think that he could create the body to do these thousands and thousands of things and created millions and millions of things to help it, with specific jobs and things to live and die for . . . there HAS to be a God!

NOBODY would have thought of ANY of that!

And I am in such awe of him day by day in an exciting way, because . . .

I'm learning more and more about God through teachings that deny him.

how cool is that?

He reveals himself through human denial . . . . in the public school system, nonetheless.


It's like,
there's no way around it.

It's kind of funny, actually.

But still, I'm amazed.


You know what's funny-er?

. . .

. .


. . . my teacher is Buddhist!

hope

So I've been eating a lot of vanilla ice cream and gummy bears.

Delicious.


I look forward to it during my day.

Hoping my grandpa didn't eat the last of the 'nilla.

Hoping my mom didn't find my gummy stash.


Joke time: What kind of bear doesn't have teeth?

Answer time: . . . . a gummy bear.

So my days have been spent hoping.



Hope.


Not like Obama phrases, but

like

real hope.

Why do we hope?

I mean, at times it's encouraging.
Keeps you going.

But at the same time it's
like
a lack of control, even?


Hope just seems like something lazy.

Hoping you still have that crutch to lean on.

Hoping instead of doing.


Or maybe it's a last resort when you've done everything possible.
Hope is left. . . . ?

iDk.

word of the day i guess.

slumpty dumpty

Bleeeehh.

You know how usually second semester of school, kids start slacking after spring break?

I think it's the same thing for veterans day.

Ever since that 3day weekend (well, 4 for me since I don't have class on fridays), I've been super lazy.

It's like I have this mindset that's like "ooooohhhhhh Alexa. It's okay if you don't study today. There's always tomorrow! And it's okay if you get a 44 out of 60. . . even though it's a "C" it still looks like a "B"! You're doing fine."

Yeah, having the voice of Satan in your head really doesn't help you study.

. . . that sounds kind of creepy.

You get it though.

ANDDDDDD. . . . we only have 3 weeks of school left before finals week.

2 1/2 if you count turkey week as half a week.

I'm constantly trying to fight that slacking urge but it's just so darn hard!

Not to mention Christmas is totally taunting me with lights and smelly candles and really bad eating habits.


Oh well.

'Tis the season, right?



I guess just pray for me to be disciplined these last few weeks and pray for wisdom.

Lots and lots of wisdom.

Super human wisdom, even.

Old post

So I saved this as a draft because I didn't know if I should post it because it's so negative.



But it's such an interesting story and such a huge turning point between Ben and me.



So I decided to post it.



. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .






11/5/08








Yep.


I met Satan last night.





Her name is Kathy.


As in Ben's mom.





She honestly hates me.


I am NOT exaggerating.


Or trying to be funny.


Or witty.


Or dramatic.





I'm serious.





Previously Ben's parentals made rules such as the following:





1. I'm not allowed to spend the night there anymore in order to motivated Ben to move out.


(fair enough. . .)





2. I'm not allowed to be at their house when nobody else is. (I understand . . .)





3. I'm not allowed to have dinner at their house???? . . . . . ( Bull . )





Seriously????!!!!





Apparently I am only allowed to be at their house when Ben is.


Neither of us knew THAT rule existed so when I found out his dad was in Chicago last night on a business trip and Ben wasn't getting off work 'till 7pm I decided I would hang out with his mom and keep her company.





How inconsiderate of me.


I should be ashamed of myself to think such atrocities. . .





I guess she wanted the house to herself and when I came over she was not a happy camper.


Ben brought home a pizza to bake since his mom didn't make dinner (neither of us expected her to) and I accidentally left the pizza on the cardboard plate and it made a really funny smell when it was cooking.


Nothing happened to the pizza or the oven . . . it just made a weird smell.


So I said whoops and took the cardboard out.


No biggie right?


Wrong.





All hell broke loose.


She bitched and yelled at me . . . over cardboard.


Then when she went to bed, she texted Tom (Ben's dad) a nasty, vicious text message about me and how I come over to much and blah blah blah.





. . . . . . she accidentally sent it to Ben's cell.


Which was right next to me.


I opened it.


Read it.


Showed it to Ben.





Then HE lost it.





Yeah.


He went upstairs, showed his mom the text, she said whoops and then DEFENDED herself. . . as if she did nothing hurtful or wrong.





. . . so





apparently when I would come over to there house before Ben got off work and ate dinner with his family. . . I was breaking a rule.





When I was hanging out with his parents, getting to know them better and letting them get to know me . . . I was breaking a rule.





When his parents repeatedly told me "dont be a stranger!" and "come over anytime". . . they were lying???





You see, they do all of these nice things like take specifically me and Ben out to dinner with them, or buy me a mountain bike for my birthday . . . or let me stay at there house for a whole summer because my household was briefly in a state of chaos. . . .





Then they pull the rug out from underneath you.


Bite your head off.


Lemon in the wound.


Paper cuts between the fingers.





But come to find out it's all his mom's doing, and not his dad.


His dad and I get along great but I guess he's trying to make it seem like it's his doing as well, so the whole family doesn't hate Kathy.





And she does it to everyone who isn't biologically related to her.


Every girlfriend or boyfriend her children have ever had . . . . . she's tortured.





. . .





I don't think she realizes that if this continues, she will totally loose her son.


He was ready pack up and move right then . . . . but where.





Ben told me about his grandma in Ohio (that's where his parents grew up) and she was so horrible that she would spoil her grandchildren rotten but the grandchildren that her daughter adopted . . . she ignored.





Totally wicked step mother but . . . . wicked grandma.





(sigh)





I'm really trying not to hate right now.





Like,





REALLY





REALLY





trying.





I SO wanted to give her a piece of my mind when I read that text.





But no.





I just cried.





And it didn't help.







Honestly I don't know how someone, a mother, can be so purposely mean.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Okay.

For the record. . .

she apologized.

And she meant it, I could tell.

And things are much better now that everyone understands where everyone else is coming from.

It's been really nice actually.

I just thought I would share a little bit of what I have to endure sometimes.

And I don't think she's really Satan.

FINALLY!

FI - NA- LLY!!!!!!

OMG!

OMG!

IT!

RAINED!


. . . .


I had to get that out.
I'm so happy.
Like.
SO
happy.

There is nothing better than a full day of rain on the weekend when you have nothing to do but sit in sweat pants and soak up the glory of God via the rain.

It's the best.

Ben and I talked and talked and planned and planned about how on the first rain of the season, we're going hiking.
Cuz that was the first thing he and I ever did just the two of us.
Kind of our first date? Maybe? Unofficial?

But yeah, so I wake up the morning after halloween (sooo tired) and I should be all groggy and stuff but no. I run down the hall to Ben's room, jump on his bed to wake him up and tell him is pouring out and just as he looks at me with that "why . . . the hell . . . are you jumping . . . on me." look, . . . . . he knows.

And then he jumps up!

And then spontaneously we walk outside and down the street to the doughnut shop to get coffee and also get soaked.

Naturally we were like "yeah! we're goin' on a hike today! whoo hoo!" . . . . nope.

we stayed inside.
happy as could be.
wii'ing.
He dominated me at pool and duck hunting.
I kicked his butt at golf and fishing.

good day.
good day.

Maybe we'll do that hike . . . next time.

. . .

Maybe.

Dreams are dreams

Computer . . . do you ever have a dream that when you wake up you're like,

" . . . oh no!! That wasn't REAL??? But it was so good!!!" . . .

Well, have you?

. . . can you even have dreams???

No offense but that really isn't my problem because unlike you I CAN dream and last night was (just for you mich) SO GOOD!

I'm not going to tell you what it was about because I think that would ruin it.

But it was way good and then I woke up . . . . and tried to go back to sleep and finish my wonderful dream . . . but I couldn't.

And then I went on with my day.

Daydreaming of my nightdream.
Trying to further it without making it seem unbelievable . . . as it already was.


. . .


The other day I saw the sweetest thing . . .

"oh-oo-oh the sweetest thing"

If you get that.

You are cool.

Anywho, I was walking to class and coming up behind me I heard a very normal conversation.
I think it was about school. . .
But then I noticed that the coversers were rapidly approaching me from behind just based on the sound.

And when they passed me, that's when I cracked a big fat smile.

It was a guy in an electric wheelchair pulling a girl in a regular wheelchair (the hard kind!) and she was just holding on to the back of his chair and they were just chit chatting away.

It honestly broke my heart.
In a good way.


Is that a bad thing?
That I make a big deal out of handicaped people?
Or is it a good thing because I actually acknowledge them as human beings unlike others do?
IDK.

I'd like to think I'm doing the right thing.



. . . .


I feel like snowboarding.

Anyone?

I love to laugh

You know what's funny?

Commercials.

You know that "Tide" commercial where that guy is at a job interview and has that stain on his shirt?
And every time the guy speaks his stain goes "blahsphlksditaliuoijhgoaiur5k!" . . . ?

I think that is a hillarious comercial.

So funny.

Makes me laugh.

Unlame

You know how in high school (and probably currently) you thought "gee, V.C. is such a lame school. So boring and predictable."



It's so not lame.

It's like,



. . . unlame.



Yeah it can get a little ghetto.

Like yesterday I realized that all the different races hang out in different parts of the campus.

Just like in high school.



The football players (mostly African American) hang out in front of the student store.

The Hispanics hang out on the side of the Library by the new admin office.

And my FAVORITE people (who I'm convinced are their own race), the artists, hang out by that snack shack by the science building.



Isn't that strange?

Like their too afraid to mix 'n mingle or something.

Gosh! It's almost like they just got out of high school.

Oh wait . . .



But anywho, my point was that V.C. is unlame because of the lame people.

. . . so it like cancels out.

Like math.



Am I really using a math reference when I clearly have strong hatred towards it?



Yes.



But the lame people are only so because they choose to be.

The unlame people?

The artists.



I had a horrible morning this morning so far.
I was on my way to school to take a chem quiz, realized I was literally running on empty and when I pulled into the gas station, my card would work ANYWHERE and I couldn't get cash out.

So I was on pins and needles trying to get to school so I wouldn't miss my test and I ran out right in front of a shell station. . . if you don't believe in God, you should.

Anyways Ben came, bought me gas, went to my test barely ontime and when I came out, there were the artists.
Immidiately my day was better.

They are always playing music, guitar, singing, one kid brought his violen today.

And they're GOOD! It's so amazing.

I would love to see the other "groups" get involved in, like, a freestyle with them.

Could you imagine two guys going at it with the violen dude in the background?

I would pay money to see that.

Oh wait. I can't. My card doesn't work. Because my bank is an idiot face.

Crisp?

Finally!
It feels like fall!!!
Yesssssss.

Ben and I were in his front yard and I was like "It's so cool and crisp out".
And he's all "What exactly does crisp mean?".

I'm thinking it means not only is it really cool out but the air is clean and clear.
Crisp! Right?

Just, like, cool and clean.

And he says it just means cool or cold.

I kept bugging him saying, "It feels like Halloween! It feels like fall!"

I don't know about you computer, but I love this time of year.
I don't know if it's because the holidays are around the corner or if it's just because it means I get to wear the same pair of jeans for a week and nobody will know as long as I change up my jackets . . . it doesn't really matter.

They're both good reasons.

And BABIES!

OH THE BABIES!

I feel like I'm completely surrounded by babies.
Not like that's a bad thing, but . . . it freaks me out.

Like pregnancy is contagious . . . and I might catch the BUG.

Wouldn't that be weird if that's how you got pregnant? You wouldn't need guys anymore now would ya!

Anyways, here are some things that have popped up lately.

Katie had her baby.
Alyssa's sister is due with her 3rd kid any day now . . .
My lab partner is 3 months pregnant . . .
The girl I sit next to in chem is 3 months pregnant . . .
My friend at work is 6 months pregnant . . .
My cousin is 3 months pregnant . . .
Ben's sister is 3 months pregnant . . .
My mom and her boyfriend keep talking about being GRANDPARENTS . . .

I mean. . . really. Seriously?

I'm way excited for when the babies come.
It'll be so exciting.

But dang.

This just proves that I'm in even LESS of a hurry to "grow up".

But on the less freaky side. . .

Ojai Day is almost here!!!!

Actually . . .

Ojai day is pretty freakish.


I've tried convincing Ben to go to Ojai Day.
He's not budging.
I even tried bribing him with the tri-tip sandwiches they have.

He thought about it . . .

for a second . . .

but still refused.

It might be better that he doens't come.
If he did he would probably just complain the whole time which would ruin the fun.

And who wants ruined fun.

It should be a good weekend.

Can't Think of a Clever Title

Alright.

I'm ready.

I'm so ready for fall.

For rain. 

The cold.

Not getting to class completely sweaty because of how hot it is . . .

Not having to continuously re-apply deoderant throughout the day. . .

So ready.

I think I just feel more comfortable in the fall/winter because you bundle up and keep warm. . .

maybe it's a comfort thing? 

Or just a relaxing thing.

hmm.

. . . 

Went for a run yesterday on the beach.

Barefoot.

Was so nice.

Peacefull.

Makes you think a lot.

Feels good.

Then I got home.

Couldn't walk very well cuz my feet hurt.

I thought to myself, "Self, why are your feet hurting?"

Self said, "I don't know. Why don't you just look at your feet?"

I thought,"Good idea self. You're so smart."

So I looked at my feet and there they were: blisters. 

But not just you're run o' the mill blisters. 

BIG DADDIES. 

One under each big toe COVERING the bottom of that toe and one the size of a quater on the ball of my right foot.

Then I thought to myself, "Nevermind self. You're dumb.  So, so, so dumb."

Realizations

There's this kid at school.
I would say he's mentally challenged but the only reason I would say that is because he has trouble speaking clearly.
Maybe he's just deaf.
If he was deaf that would be even cooler! You'll see why in a couple of sentences.

I LOVE this kid.

He's this Mexican kid with spikey hair, braces and he carries a guitar and is always wearing his iPod and headphones.
I love him!
I don't know if he has any classes because I only see him in front of the cafeteria . . . singing.
At the top of his lungs, totally off pitch, not understanding a word he's saying. . . .

. . . and it's beautiful.

Whenever I walk past there I always hope he's there. Singing.

Today was an absolute treat.
I was in the library on one of the computers and someone sits down at the computer next to me and hits the side of the desk making a "clunnnnggggg" noise.
It was a guitar.
All of the sudden this big screen of a music video of the backstreet boys pops up on their screen . . .

and there feet start tapping.

It was him!

He sat next to ME! Of all people!

He occasionally would talk to me, asking if I was talking to friends when I was e-mailing people. Or asking me If I was buying clothes when I was looking at urban outfitters online.

And always with a smile full of braces.

It took me a couple tries to fully understand what he was saying. But he was so cool to watch.

Now you know why it'd be way cool if he was deaf cuz he's so into music.



Then I started thinking: "I would be totally self concious if I was watching the backstreet boys in a public lab. "

More people should try and be like him.


My mind has been very open lately.
And when I say lately I mean for the last 2 or 3 months or so.
To me that's a long time. Usually if I was feeling that way, it would be a week long phase.
Well . . . this is a long phase. . . but I don't think it is one.

I'm pretty sure it's life.
Or God.
But, God gives me life so . . .
It's God.

God is telling me to chill out and look around.
And who better to chill out and people watch with than God, right?

Word.

Day by day I feel like I become fearless.
Of what's ahead.

Like I'm ready to take it on . . . but I can wait.


I'm watching "Fringe" right now.

So cool.

Now THAT opens your mind.

Fox channel, tuesdays, 9pm.

Be there.

Or be unaware.


Oh. My grandpa ate almost all of my coldstone ice cream.
You know, the big container type.
That costs $12.
He didn't even use a bowl.
Just right out of the carton.

I'm gonna go devour the rest of it so he won't eat anymore.

Proactive is my middle name.

No Fake-Backs!

I wonder.
How often do we actually know what we want?
I'm not referencing anything right now.
Just good, pure, thought.

And if we know what we want, and we think it's right . . .

I s it really right?
When do we know?

I'm sure that's just one of the many beauties of life: not knowing.

Sometimes never knowing.

. . . do we always never know?
And we just guess at what is right and act?
And never know what we never know?
Until death?


Dang.


That's the problem with thinking, man.
Sometimes you actually think clearly.
Scary.

I have a few inspirations.
People. Mostly.
Some I know. Some I don't.
Most I don't.

Is inspiration . . . creepy?
Like . . . stocker - ish?

Especially if you don't know them?
And they're not a celebrity?
I don't think so.

Oh. Tangent on celebrities:

I used to be way into the E! channel.
Until I realized. . . . WHO CARES?!!

Celebrities are so not real.

Maybe I don't have the right or proper knowledge and/or experience to say this . . and that . . but,

To me, they have no simplicity.
It's all BIG and attention needy and . . . I don't know.
Well, I mean, I know what I'm trying to say but I can't think.
So , I don't think.

?

Tangent number two:

Is it bad if I'm not hungry to read? Find quotes? Be philosophical?
Am I considered . . . . . . . . . typical?
Boring?
Unreal?

(there's that "real" work again)

Or can I just be me? And still be considered real?

Are we real?


Or are we real fakes?

Should we care? As long as we're happy? And aknowledging that the good Lord gave us the ability to experience happiness?

Like I said earlier,


Dang.

Insanity or Peace?

Well, this last week has certainly been a whirlwind, computer.
I wish you were there to witness it all because then I wouldn't have to type all of this. . .

Anywho,

Basically Hume was fan-frickin-tastic.
I forgot how much fun high school is.
Kajabe (still don't know how to spell that) was nuts.
Rec, all though slightly disappointing that we didn't win, was crazy as it should be.

And after all of that, I pretty much have a job waiting for me next summer and I'm pretty sure it's as a pondy lead. That would be sweet.

I mean, here is a job that I dreamed of having when I was a camper and now instead of working towards it as a lifeguard or H.A.G. it's practically being thrown at me. I mean, the leader of the camp asking me to work for him. Why would ANYONE ever say no?

They wouldn't.

And there's one person who doesn't understand that.

I'll give you one guess. . . . . . .

Yep.

We had a very mature, understanding conversation about the support in our relationship and how it is very one-sided. My side. Or . . . wait. . . . his side . . . right?

OK, I AM THE ONE GIVING HIM ALL THE SUPPORT AND GETTING NOTHING IN RETURN.

That's what I meant.
But I was trying to sound clever.
It wasn't working.

When he went to Colorado I didn't say no. I said, you have tons of life to live and Colorado would be great for you. I'll miss you terribly, but it will be awesome.

Same with France.

Same with triathlons.

I never once thought "he shouldn't do that because I don't want him to".

And now that it's my turn to do ONE THING during summer, he can't.

He can't support.

And I honestly believe he doesn't know how to think outside of his feelings.
He doesn't know how to be happy for someone when it has no beneficial outcome for his self.

THEN! Oh yeah, there's a "then".

We got down to school and how he thinks I should be taking summer school classes instead of working at Hume . . .

BECAUSE

. . . then I can get done with school quicker and he won't have to wait for me as long.

. . . . .

Wait for me? Why are you waiting for me? Because when you're done waiting, i'll be a nurse . . . with a career . . . and an income . . . a good one.

And you'll be . . . . a triathlete, maybe. . . . who works at a bike shop?

And you think I'M making unproductive choices? wow.

And THEN, we got down to the nitty gritty, where the sun don't shine, people.

He thinks I won't ever be a nurse. That I won't ever finish school. That I will keep putting "fun things" ahead of "need to do things" and he thinks Hume is a "fun thing".

Naturally, I would be screaming and crying at him at this point.

I wasn't .

By the grace of God I was SO AT PEACE .

This last week totally changed me.
It made me realize that God is REALLY going to take care of me and not everyone he puts in my life is meant to stay there.

Now, I don't know what is ahead for me and Ben but I know I'm not afraid of it.
If we're supposed to get married, GREAT!
If we're not? GREAT!

And I'm honestly ok with it all. I'm not scared.

I think it's because for the first time, I'm focused completely on pleasing God than pleasing my boyfriend.

Now, in a perfect relationship, I would be able to help Ben see this.
But, he is a VERY stubborn and narrow-minded person.

We work extremely well together and there's no way I would ever WANT to break up with him.
But it's my turn now.

Oh! And when we ended our little talk (quite peacefully) I asked him, "will you please stop underestimating me?"

He said," . . . . I'll try." And I have no idea what to do with that.

Neglect

Computer, I have neglected you.

I am sorry.

A lot has happened.

But for the most part, Ben is home and I just got back from Las Vegas.

OOOHHHHH Las Vegas.

It was a lot of fun and I'm very happy to say nothing bad happened.

Not that something bad was supposed to happen but, you never know.

Ya know?

Nevermind.

This won't be a very lengthy blog because I'm having trouble focusing right now.

Bridezillas is on . . . . now that is entertainment.

explosions

Computer,

This morning I woke up at 6:00am and exploded from both ends.

Literally.

I puked and crapped for a good 30 minutes. . . then went back to sleep and woke up at 10am.
So, naturally, worked sucked today.

Ryan, I'm never eating at Jester again.


On a lighter note: I feel much better.
I got to go to the beach today for about an hour and a half.
Slowly chippin' away at that tan I'm trying for.
I hope I'm black by the end of summer.
Or at least Hawaiian.

Speaking of summer, I haven't heard from anyone at Hume in almost three weeks so I'm going to assume that I won't be hired by them or there extremely unorganized.
Either way, I'm pissed because I can't keep sittting around waiting for someone to tell me what to do this summer.
. . . my plans are pretty much based around whether or not I work at Hume.
That sucks.
I should probably be an adult and call them.
I'm kind of over it though.

On an even LIGHTER note: I get to see Ben in 10 days.
Exciting.
He graduates. . . and then . . . i don't know . . . . . life?
I'm kind of nervous because he comes up with some pretty wild plans for himself, but usually it all works out.
I'm pretty neutral about it all.
He's smart about stuff.


I have quite a load waiting for me in the fall.
anatomy, anat lab, chem, chem lab, stats, cross country, and kickboxing.
oh yeah, and a job.
and . . . I guess a life too.
The funny thing is, I'm so excited about it.
Because it all feels so right.
I think this is the first time I know for sure what I'm getting myself into and I know exactly what to expect and I know how to handle it.
Plus I know it's where I'm supposed to be.

THAT is an accomplishment in itself.

family

What do you do when you feel like the only string keeping your family together and sane?

I've been trying to figure that out for years now.

I mean, I know what to do and I'm doing it, but . . .

how am I supposed to handle it?

Like, be pure about it.

I don't want to put up a fake front and make people think I'm calm and collected when on the inside I'm really like a town that got ripped apart by a tornado. . . it's chaotic.

It's actually not that gruesome, I just have an unbelievable amount of stress that I can't seem to get rid of, no matter what changes I make in life.

My mom is an emotional train wreck.

One day she's the funnest person to be around and the next she's crying herself to sleep because her boyfriend called her at 8 o'clock instead of 7 o'clock.

It's way worse than that, but I'm not here to bash my mom via internet.

I can't tell if she's genuinly hurt by all of these events or if she's just feeling sorry for herself.

I'm pretty sure she's just feeling sorry for herself.

We used to have the kind of relationship where I would tell her things about herself or give her advise and she would graciously take it to heart.

Now, whenever I tell her ANYTHING she reacts like I'm viciously attacking her and . . . ugh.

Honestly, I'm the mother now and she's the daughter who I'm taking care of.

What about me?

Who's taking care of me?

Where's MY role model?

And Ben is no help because whenever I tell him what's going on, the only words of encouragement are "You should move to Colorado".

Thanks. Love you too.

I pray for strength every night and day, but I just don't feel anything except pain and frustration.

Maybe I should start praying for patience, huh?

I ran so far

Yesterday I ran.
Yesterday I ran on the trails.
Yesterday I ran on the trails by my house.
Yesterday I ran on the trails by my house and rolled my ankle so hard that I thought I lost my foot and didn't know how I was going to get back home because I only had one foot.



. . . . . . . . . . . . .




Luckily I didn't roll it that bad.
I still had two feet.
And I could still run.

You know out of all the years that I have been a runner, I have never been seriously injured and until today I have never realized how big of a blessing that is.

Or is it?

Does that just mean I'm not pushing myself hard enough?
Or am I a smart runner?
Or just blessed?


Ultimately I would like to think I'm blessed.

Yes, that's it.
Out of shape and blessed.
. . . . I'm working on that first part.


My upper lip is twitching on the left side.
Weird.
It feels like there's a bug underneath my lip. . . .


Have you ever had your butt twitch, computer?
Well, you don't have a butt . . . but I do.
Now THAT is a weird feeling.

But this upper lip thing. . .
I feel like Elvis.

Once

I saw a movie last night called 'Once'.
It was amazing.
I recommend it for anyone who loves music.
Anyone.

It's like a love/success story, but it's not predictable.
The other people I was watching it with thought it was slow, but I didn't notice.
I think if you appreciate music enough, . . . . . . . . . . . you won't notice either.

It won an academy award I guess.
I think for it's music.


The music is killer.


It just made me want to start a band, write songs, learn guitar, SOMETHING.

Though, there are quite a few F-bombs, that's kind of what you expect when a movie is set in Dublin, right?


I dunno.
I miss singing.
I wish there were more opportunities for it.

Old Soul

I haven't been sick in a while, but that streak of luck is gone.
I'm sick.
It's just a cold, but it still counts.
Unfortunately.

Ugh, I just hate that feeling when you sound like the Godfather, everything you consume stings your throat, and someone is playing the bongos inside your brain.

But at least I fly home tomorrow.
I was supposed to be home on Monday but weird things happened with flights and now Wednesday is my day.
I love flying.
I can't wait to come home.
I mean I'm really gonna miss Ben, but I'll get to see him in a month so no big.
I've really found a new appreciation for "home" since I've been living away from it.
I used to think it was holding me back, but it just new best.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Not Absinthe.

Flying home makes me feel like once I get home, I'm sort of starting a new life in a sense.
I feel like a different person, I'm planning different things in my life that I never would've done in the past, and the big thing of it all is . . . . . . . .badabadabadabadabada . . . . . . . . . . I'm excited about it!

Ben and I had a long argument about courtesy and anger . . . . that ended up as a discussion about stress.
It was really insightful because he was telling me that there's good stress and bad stress and you always need stress in your life because it's one of the things that motivates you.

Like I said, insightful.

Now that our relationship is moving into a different realm because he's graduating/living independently now and I'm becoming more of a home body (kind of not really), our dynamics our changing.

That prompts some discussions, little arguments, small fits of rage. . . etc.
But no matter how brutal the war can be (and it's never really brutal) we always end with healed wounds and a closer relationship.
I think the major hurdle we cleared while being together these last couple of weeks is that we talked, openly and peacefully talked, about the possibility that we could not be the one for each other.

That we possibly weren't meant to be.

Now, we're nowhere near ending our relationship.
Just completely the opposite.
Which is great.
And that's what you do in a relationship:
you talk, yell, hurt and if it's right, you heal and grow with a new appreciation and love for each other.

It's great.






. . . . . I swear I'm not some 38 year-old trapped in a 20 year-olds body.

Still me, guys.

Grocery/Prayer list

Well, Thursday couldn't wait.

Just got done with running and the gym.
Ben was supposed to meet me there. . . .

he never showed up.

Oh well. Hope he's not dead!
Cuz THEN who would drive me to the airport, huh?


I went to the grocery store on Monday night and something interesting/sad happened.
I was on my way down the pasta isle looking for some velveta (mmmmmmm velveeetaaaaa)
and as I was standing there trying to decide if I should get regular size or family size I over heard a conversation happening (yes, I was eves dropping) between and elderly man and an elderly couple.
What caught my attention was the word "chemo".
Apparently the single man's wife just found out she had cancer and the couple is friends with them and was asking if there was anything they could do, anything they needed etc.
The single man seemed at peace with it which I found surprising.
Then the woman asked if she was hopefull. . . . .

Now, I don't know what the proper question are to ask when dealing with a cancer patient but that just seemed really cut throat.
She made it sound like there was no hope.

There's always hope.

When they parted ways, I caught the one man's eyes and just smiled.
I didn't know what else I should do.
All I can do now is just pray for him, his wife, and possible family.

I always seem to pray for people in grocery stores.

About 3 months ago I heard a couple talking to there friend about there child who was a twin but the other one died at birth.
They still wanted to have twins badly.
I still pray for them too.



. . . . if I'm their secret prayer,

Do I have one?

How many of us are there?

Where to begin

Computer, I hope you don't feel like I've been neglecting you . . . .
because I'm not.
I just haven't had any kind of access to you until now.
So with that said, I have a lot of things to keep talking about.


Currently I'm in Colorado and surrounded by snow.
It was a wierd change from sunny Ventura . . . isn't that a guy's name?

Sunny Ventura?
Oh well.

So yeah, been here for almost 2 weeks and it's nice.
It's nice being with Ben . . . . and it's nice hanging with his friends . . . and it's nice not having any obligations . . . . but it's SO BORING!!!

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being with Ben all the time and it breaks my heart every time when one of us has to leave but I need to come home soon.
I need to work, need to go to church, need my friends, family . . . this isn't my life, it's his.
And right now that works for us.
It's a great place to visit but I can't live here.

My day consists of:
9:00am - waking up from a not-so-good sleep of waking up almost every hour to back pains because his matress sucks.
11am - go to the gym with Ben for 2 hours or go run. If it's a tues or thurs, I go by myself
2pm- lunch
4pm-go to store, go to "the house", or go out to eat.
then after that it's either watch T.V. cuz we're too tired to get up or go out with friends.

Luckily, today I have a few minutes of free time from my hectic schedule to pay you a visit, computer.

Easter was pleasant.
I dragged Ben to church for a . . . different type of service.
We ended up going to a Baptist church because that was the service that we made it on time to.
there were about 40 people there, only half of the tiny chapel was filled.
It was very old fashioned.
I felt like I was in a cliche of a movie.
The pastor was a firey guy who put the sylable "uh" after everthing like "JesusUH died on the crossUH for your sinsUH!"
God bless that man.
And you know what Ben and I noticed?
Nobody clapped.

There must have been a dozen performances by little kids that morning whether they were reciting a bible verse or singing the lords prayer, and whenever they finished, people would just say, "Amen, Amen".

We always caught ourselves in mid clap before we stopped from making a scene.
It was wierd.
But still, it was church.
You couldn't help but feel like you were welcomed.

That afternoon, Ben and all his friends made a big Easter dinner, complete with ham, potatoes, pie, etc.
It was really good.

I really missed Ojai that day, though.
It was the first time I had missed Sunrise Service.
And dinner at my Aunt's house.
So I felt slightly empty that day, even though it was completely the opposite of how I was supposed to feel.

Well, now that I've written a novel, I'm pretty sure Ben's out of class by now.
I'll probably be back on Thursday.

I know, I know, but I have to hike through the snow . . . . uphill . . . . barefoot . . . to get to the computer lab!

I fibbed that last part, but you get it.

Special

Computer, I just wrote myself a comment to myself on facebook . . .


what does that mean????


I'm weird? Or just . . . UNIQUE!
Ben calls me special.
I don't know what I think of it.
We joke about so it can't be that bad.

I just watched Mr. Brooks and I can't help but feel like someone is


sitting . . .




watching. . . .




waiting . . . . .


to kill me.


I know! It sounds nuts!
But you gotta see the movie!
It's insane!

I think I just maxed out my limit of exclamation marks for the day.

It's 11 o'clock at night and there are birds chirping outside my window. . .
hmm.
Maybe they're just really excited for tomorrow.
I'm not.

I have to work tomorrow which means I have to waste a perfectly sunny day inside.
Stupid Aloha Steakhouse.
But, at least I'll be right on the beach, or close enough.
You should come visit me computer.
Just hop a bus and go.


. . . . or maybe I'll just hope humans come in to visit me.

That means 3 things:

A. I'll get to talk to more people than usual

B. I'll hopefully make a good amount of money

or

C. All of the above.


. . . . C sounds pretty good right about now.

I should probably hit the hay.
I have to wake up relatively early because I'm going to breakfast.
I love breakfast.

Samsun is laying across my lap right now and making it impossible to type.
He's loving every minute of it.
Oh, that's Ben dog, computer.
He's a golden retreiver.
He's hea,kjf8


. . . .



that was me trying to type "heavy", but Samsun shifted and knocked you off my lap.

And yes I CAN balance you and a dog on my lap.

Ha, he has a cone collar on his head right now because he keeps itching these sores he has . . . . he looks absolutely pitiful.
It's so funny.



Oh ok.
So remember how I didn't have my camera for a while?
Well I got it back but now I can't find my cord that lets me upload them onto you!
Cake and eat it too, geez.

I'm going to Colorado this weekend for about a week.
Snowboarding should be great.
I'm missing Easter with my family though.
I love Easter.
It's a pretty low key holiday for me.
I pretty much go to church and then sleep 'till dinner.

But this year I figure I'll be cooking dinner for Ben and his roommates.
That should be fun.
Not.

why wii

My right arm is sore.
Do you know why?
I played wii for 3 hours
Now I want to cry.

burnt

Nothing but sun today, computer.


Ben and I went on a leisurely bike ride from his house to the beach and back and it was the most fun he and I had had in a long time.
I really think we needed that.

We packed a lunch, slathered the SPF and off we went.
It was the perfect day for our . . . oh about 20 mile ride.
Yeah, I know, but we were having such a great time we didn't even feel it.
The only thing we felt was sweat rolling down our backs and faces and our skin burning.


Oh! There's this crazy new thing at the beach that's this giant pole with huge lights at the top and four buttons with a picture above each one circled around the pole.
When you press a button it says, "what do you dream about?" and "what would you change in life?" and stuff like that.
Most people would think it's pointless . . . . because it is.
But if it makes you think about life and bettering it . . . well I guess it's done its job.
It's just so random!


Had lunch with my mom.
Ben had a beer.
I had a tri-tip sandwich. . . so good.
And then we went on our merry way, just like santa.

Trying to kick eat other, slap each other, race . . . so destructive . . . so fun.

Ugh, I'm so burnt though.
Is "burnt" a word? or is it burned?
I like burnt.
Anywho, you know when you're sunburnT and later that night you skin just throbs and you feel like your sick because you're so warm?
That's why I feel like.
But it's great because it feels like summer.
I'm ready for summer.


But first, I think I'm ready for some ice cream.
You?

Sick Nasty

Alright Computer,

You may or may not know this, but I'm all for good health.
Whether it's exercising, relationships . . . especially eating.
That's the most important part.
You know, the zero trans fat, organic, whole wheat-ish stuff.
But STAY AWAY from whole wheat pasta especially when it's in penne form.

No matter how long you boil it, it is the stiffest, most cardboardy crap you will ever taste in your life.
It totally ruins your eating experience (which I consider VERY important, I mean, who wants nasty food?)

Now, I'm a big texture person.
Took me forever to eat veggies.
So that could be why I don't like the pasta, but I really think it's just because it sucks.

I'm totally staring at it right now, starving, and I will not touch anymore of it.
No thank you.
Nope.

You're lucky, computer, you don't have to eat TRASH!



. . . . . . . good thing God made cereal.

Blister in the sun

Today I took my new running shoes for a 6 mile test run on the beach.
It was a gorgeous, sunny, warm, beachy day and I wanted to be outside as much as possible.
However, if you ever buy new shoes of ANY sort, never go more than 3 miles in them for the first couple of days.
I KNOW THIS.
But did I follow my own knowledge? No.

There were 3 reasons why I shouldn't have done this.
First, I was dehydrated so I had major side aches everywhere imaginable.
Second, I was out of shape so I was going way slower than I wanted and I probably looked like it too.
Last, I got gnarly blisters.
They were under, on top, and between each toe on both feet.
Learn kids, learn.

However, once they dry up, then Ben and I can pick at them and have a competition to see who can peel off the biggest piece!
Yeah, I know.
That's gross and weird, but trust me, it's a lot of fun.


After my run, I took my shoes and socks off and soaked my legs in the ocean.
Ah, the big blue.
I missed it, a lot.
Glad to be home.


Ironically, as soon as I leave nor cal (I hate that term but I'm too lazy to say the whole thing) all of these things start happening up there that I want to be a part of like birthdays, concerts, visiting friends, sporting games . . . . I hate how that happens.
Apparently God is trying to tell me something.
Something most likely worth learning.

Oh well, I still like Ojai/Ventura better.

I'm exhausted. Goodnight.

It's a beautiful day

Have you ever been to Ireland, computer?

I'm pretty sure I went there yesterday.

I left for home at around noon yesterday and I'm so glad because the sky was bright blue, it was like 70 degrees and the hills were BRIGHT green.

Windows down, sunroof back, blasting nothing but good happy music.

The kind that just makes you think and be amazed at life.

I even got off the I-5 a few times just to drive around and experience new places.

It was a gorgeous day. 

I was pleased. 

Not to mention every tree was in bloom.

Have you ever seen cherry trees in spring?

How about almond trees?

We have almond trees and they have hundreds of white blossoms.

They look like something out of a wedding magazine.

Anywho, they were every where and made the drive even more beautiful.

I can't get over yesterday.

I wish someone was there with me to share it.

Maybe there were other people driving who were just as in awe as I was.

I hope so.

On the flip side, 24 hours later I'm in San Diego visiting friends. 

Oh the city.

So not as pretty.

Well, in some ways, but not many.

We're going to take a tour of S.D. tomorrow.

I hope tomorrow is as nice as yesterday.

I'm sorry.

I keep talking about yesterday, but I just can't get over it!

Anyways, San Diego.

The beach better be rad.

I need some new music.

Good music.

I mean I love what I have . . . but I want more.

So greedy.

Oh no

This is how boring it is here.












Save me.

sub-lime

In the spirit of rain I decided to bake last night.
I think because rain is cold and baking is warm . . .
Plus, it was the Oscars so naturally you need to have good food while watching, right?

Well, I went to the store to get all of the proper ingrediants and do you know what happened?
I'll tell you.
Some little boy thought it would be a good idea to drop kick a lime, and it hit me in the face.
Let me tell ya, it was a big lime.
It hurt.


It's sunny today.
That's nice.
I might go running.
Or go to trader joes.
We shall see where the day leads me, eh?

52

It has been fifty two days since I last held my camera . . . and I am dying without it.

I lent it to someone and they have yet to return it.

F.Y.I taking mental pictures instead of real ones, SUCKS.

Just go, man.

I woke up this morning after a long night of The Office reruns, ate breakfast, and left.
I didn't know where I was going, but I just drove.
I didn't even have my normal morning cup o' coffee ritual.
That's how bad I needed to leave.

First I went north.

I ended up on the 12 heading towards Sonoma/Napa.
Never actually went to Napa, but I did go to Sonoma and not only is it absolutely beautiful there, but the drive is breathtaking.
After only a half and hour in my car, I found myself surrounded by bright green hills full of vineyards and a tunnel of oak trees over the road.
I swear it was right out of some book I probably haven't read.

And then I went south.
Ended up in Berkeley.
Got some coffee (finally) and hung outside a cafe, people watching.
Well, more like hippy watching. It was great.

When I got home, I was only there for about an hour, just to eat.
Then I was gone again.
I walked across the street to the movie theater and saw Fools Gold. It was so so.
Then after that was finally over I walked directly across the hallway to watch Definitely, Maybe (which I just realized why it's called that. It's not as obvious as it seems) which was surprisingly enough a pretty good movie.
It's hard to find those these days.
And yes, I did cheat the system and only pay for one of the two movies I saw. Sue me.

I wasn't looking for anything in particular today, but I found a lot.
It was a good day.

When the lights go down in the city

Okay, so, I have decided that the day after Valentines Day is so much better than the actualy holiday. I think I'm going to start celebrating FebRUary (such a wierd R) 15th instead of the 14th because then you're not surrounded by cranky/and or twitterpated people dressed in the appropriate colors.

I finally went to S.F. yesterday with Sandra and Sonae and we had a blast. An absolute ball.
Well, at least I did.
We bought too much, we ate too much, we walked too much, we paid too much. It was perfect.

There were these really cool hearts in Union Sqaure that I was taking pictures of and this extremely creepy/scruffy guy came up to us after this couple took our picture and asked to see the pic.
Naturally, being the sweet-hearted dumb girls we are, we let him see it. . . and then he opened his mouth, and this is what he said:

"Whoa, dude, do you want me to take another one of you girls? Are you going into Victoria's Secret right there? It's really pink and there's a spot where you can see the girls changing in the dressing room! Want me to show you? By the way I really like your hair."

We were gone.

And heading to Haight and Ashbury. I could've stayed there all day. We had the best dinner at this place call gobble and squat.
I got my nose pierced.
Talked to some homeless guys.

Oh and then, when we were heading home, my super smart roommate told me to go down this road and we ended up on a "cable car only" road that came to a dead end and had a rotating deck to turn the trolly's around. . . we got stuck on it.
It was amazing. But another car had followed us so we weren't alone.

I was sad when we left. Goodbye city. My second love.
Not really. More like my second home.

All in all it was a splendid trip full of excitment and a lot of funny/classic pictures.

We're going again next weekend.

Get me outta here

Tomorrow I am going to San Francisco and . . . I'm ecstatic.

I realized how much I hate Rohnert Park today when I was driving home from gettting my oil changed.

I wanted to go back to my apartment and lay in the sun because it was such a beautiful day, but since the driving and turning lanes on the roads were designed by a nut, I had to turn right instead of left and there were so many cars and so little room that they wouldn't let me over.
So left I went. . . and was angry.
Angry at the other drivers.
The schizophrenic that painted the road lanes.
The town.
My car.
Everyone.

So much so, that at the next stop light I started screaming, like, literally screaming.
Only to realize the guy next to me was totally watching me.
I think I completely turned him off to women. Go me.

Took me forever to finally turn around and go the direction I wanted and by the time I got home to go soak up those golden rays . . . I was over it.
I ate lunch instead.

My day sucked even more when a man delivered the biggest box you had ever seen to my doorstep.
It was full of roses and thinking it was magically for me I frantically looked for a name . . . and I found it.
It was to Sara, my roommate, from her boyfriend of 1 month. Puh-LEEZ!!!!!!

I would still be peeing my pants right now if that was for me and you know what?
Her pants are dry!!!!

However, I did get a charming little heart-fluttering gift this afternoon.

A parking ticket.



See. This is why I need to leave. None of this petty, small town, jibber jabber. . . whatever THAT is.

So if your in the mood for some S.F. shopping, dinning and dancing, you should join us computer.
Because I would love to see a fresh face.

I really need some ice cream but I can still feel my dinner sitting at the top of my stomach.

(sigh) See what a little venting can do? I already feel better.

Too young to die!!!!

Computer, I am loosing it.

I'm sitting on the floor of my room with every possible effing door shut and I can hear one of my roommates eating chips in the living room . . . and it is disolving every last bit of sanity I have left in my body. . . and that's not a lot.

I swear if one more thing sets me off, heads will roll.


. . . I mean do people really not know how to chew with their mouths shut? or go in the other room when you're yelling on the phone? or flush a toilette?

They're driving me up a wall. One of which I'm about ready to plow right through and run far far away. . . .


I need a dog.



Am I being too much of a girl? A bit high maintenance? Because I'm not.
I just have a thing for common sense. That's all.

I used to think I was a little on the "dumb blonde" side, but here? I'm friggin' Bill Gates.

Jesus, please come and take me now. Before I explode and kill other people with my shrapnel.





ARGH.





hahaha. girls are so dumb.

Thanks for letting me vent computer. I O U.

Peace out girl scout.

You know when you're dreaming and in your dream, you know you're dreaming?
Did that make any sense?
Anyways, I did that about 3 times in my dream cycle last night/this morning, but they were three different dreams. . . and I don't remember what they were about.

What's wierd is whenever I lay my head down to go to bed, as soon as my head hits the pillow all of my dreams from the night before flash back.
It's the craziest thing.

So anywho, today was pretty good.
On my run this morning, some little kid was following me on his little 50 dirt bike and when I finished he said word for word, "Dang girl! You run fast!" and sped off.
I yelled at him "I like your bike!!!" but I'm not sure if he heard me.
He must have been only 8 or 9.
I was flattered.

I went to Santa Rosa and spent 4 hours at Barnes and Noble.
I bought 4 books. One of which was a bible entirely made of duct tape.
It's the best thing ever because I'm always throwing my books around.
I walked downtown among all of these restaurants, pubs and stores and it was so nice.
There were white christmas lights everywhere and people milling about.
Too bad I was all by myself!
But I discovered that we have a 3 way crosswalk; you can cross it normally or diagonally and it even verbally tells you when to cross . . . in case you're a REAL idiot. . . . or blind.

I'm trying to get all of us girls to go there for lunch and maybe a little window shopping but they all have to work.
And plus we're going on a hike tomorrow morning so I might be going to lunch with me, myself and I.

You should come with me computer.
You home-body you.

Waiting

Change of plans computer,

Frisco is going to be next saturday, the 16.
I guess the homeless people will have to wait.

I watch Serendipity again yesterday.
I never seem to get enough from that movie.
Secretly, I think I'm wishing for that kind of "fate" or "destiny" to happen in my life.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life.
It just seems so . . . . . . . predictable sometimes.
I've never been the predictable sort.
I need adventure, excitment . . . risk, chance.


That adrenaline feeling is outstanding.


But while we're on the subject of change,
We're going to see my friend in S.D. in a couple of weeks.
That should be fun.
Ha, there's going to be 6 of us in her little bitty apartment, probably all in sleeping bags on her floor.
That reminds me, I still haven't gotten my sleeping bag from camp yet.
I really hope they still have it. That would suck if they didn't.

I really need to go to practice tomorrow.
I can feel my boobs growing, rejecting my bras because they're suddenly to small because of my lack of cardio.

Ugh. The trials of being female.

Hey computer! If you're ever bored, you mind want to find this band and tap into some free downloads for you and me. They're called Rodrigo y Gabriella. Or better yet, watch them on youtube. wow.

Alexa. Out.

Music and Wrinkles

So computer,

Yesterday, my inconciderate roommates and I recieved a notice on our door from our apartment office stating that we play our music too lound and that our neighbors were complaining and we were in violation of some LAME policy. . . .

First off, how awesome is it that our first warning is about our music.
I mean, that rocks. No pun intended.
Second, how selfish can you be??!!
OBVIOUSLY there was proof that we were clearly enjoying ourselves with some bumpin' tunes that made us happy. . . wouldn't you think that would make them happy to know they had happy neighbors?
I guess not.

Secretly, I think they were just upset that we didn't invite them over to share the bliss. You know, taste the rainbow. . . . and possibly take part in a fantastic dance party.

In other news this evening,
Ironing longsleve shirts is hard because there is no possible way to get the sleeves completely wrinkle free. It's just useless.
If your ever bored, computer, you should try it. . . well, if you had arms.

The girls and I are going to San Fran on Saturday. I can't wait. I need to leave this tiny town they call "Rohnert Park".
It's too small.
I need the hustle and bustle of the big city, the cranky drivers, the awesome homeless people (I swear they're famous).
I feel like I'm dying here.

. . . but I'm not. Sorry, I sound so sad and gloomy.
Life's not that bad. And if it is, you can always make it better.
After all, it is yours.

I think I'll go to Coldstones now.
MMMMMMM.

buenos dias computer,

Did you sleep well?
I did, so well infact, I decided to not go running this morning (gasp!)
Yesterday's drive was very interesting:

It rained on and off for 5 hours and sometimes I had to drive 15 mph because no one could see.
I saw 7 rainbows, one of which was a double. I hope that doesn't mean I'm a lesbian. But I think I would know if I was. I'm very not.
I was hit on by 2 very large mexicans in a Wendy's. Extremely uncomfortable.
I was also involved in a high speed chase in Berkley.

Well, I was kind of just one of the cars that the cops and the car they were chasing weaved around.

It was still pretty sweet.

Shrink, Shrink, Blinkity Blink

(start beat boxing, computer)

I wanna go to bed,
But I can't stop my head,
From thinking all these things,
When I should be having dreams

You better plug your ears,
Cuz I really can't rhyme,
I'm so not tired,
Gosh look at the time!

Today my grandpa turned
75
That's a long time to
be alive

I think I'm getting sick,
There's snot in my throat
It's so annoying
and really "get's my goat" . . . .?

I should've rhymed that
with another word,
today our cat brought
in a dead bird

I really hate cats
I'd rather have a big dog
cats make me sneeze
. . . this is such a lame blog!

I'm gonna try and get a
good song in my head
which will probably help me
finally get to bed

Le Photographie, Oui

Good afternoon computer,

I'm talking to you now because I'm going out to dinner with my fam for my G-pa's birthday. The big 75.
Anywho, I know why I love the rain so much.
It's because you get rad pictures.
I get completely snap happy when it rains.
Here's proof:



And the work:












just food for thought.

http://www.flickr.com/people/runlex/

I have a disease, Computer.

Or rather a curse: I'm not happy unless the people around me are happy.
And it sucks.
I'll spend the rest of the day trying to cheer them up nomatter how grueling or pointless it is. WHY? . . . absolutely no idea.

Maybe I'm an optomist, maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm and idiot. I don't know.

Sometimes I'll do that to strangers too.

Like right now, there's this. . . person. We know of each other but we don't know each other. And they seem so sad, computer. They have so much life but they never seem to enjoy it. I'm too afraid to talk to them . . . let alone look at them. But I pray. All the time. I hope it's working.

Anyways, I'll probably miss the superbowl on sunday cuz I'll be driving back to school. . . again.

I might stop by Hume, since it's right on my way, to pick up my sleeping bag. That's if weather allows.

I love this rain. My mom swears it's because it's my middle name. Did you know that? . . . I don't think you did.
Anywho, it just makes me feel good. It makes me want to be with people. It kind of makes you realize that everyone is equal.
Everyone gets wet, no one looks glamorous, and everyone is in the same situation striving for the same goal: stay dry.

An then you get to go home, curl up . . . maybe take a hot shower and then curl up, watch movie with starbucks in hand and then when you go to sleep all warm and cozy, the rain is your lullabye.

Too bad your just a computer. You can't do any of that.

Wow, I just read everything I typed and I think I should write these out before I post 'em.

Oh well, night.

"Do you realiiiiiiize"

Computer,

Today I realized that I don't have to go to school at a university. That was big.

I saw "Atonement" last night. . . I love artsy movies but this one was really sloooow in the middle. Good though.

I also rented "Serendipity" (my favorite) and "The Reaping". I should've watched that one first and THEN serendipity, but I didn't and now I keep thinking locusts are going to burst through my window.

I'm pretty sure I have an ear infection . . . or close to one. My right ear has constant horrible pressure that won't go away . . . and the worst part is now I can't do handstands because they make it hurt even more! Great.

Going home tomorrow. I might stop by Hume to pick up my sleeping bag since it's right on the way, but I'm pretty sure it's was too icy for my car. Some other day probably.


until then computer.

Drive the 5

Hey Computer,

You don't drive, but I do.

I drove back to school on monday (unfortunately) and I have to say that was the most beautiful 8 hours northbound I've ever spent on it.

The hills on the grapevine were dusted with snow which was really cool because they already had this olive green color to them and had scattered dead trees everywhere.

Not to mention the clouds were super low. . . . the whole thing kinda had this jurassic park look to it. Pretty sure I almost died about a dozen times because I had better things to watch than the road.

The whole rest of the drive was just as green and the clouds were all gray and swirly-like which made the sunset amazing.

. . . I got a speeding ticket though. I thought it was a 75 mph zone . . . it was 70 . . . I was going 80 on cruise control . . . . the cop wrote me down as going 87 . . . . wtf.
The worst part is it was my half birthday.
Yeah, happy half birthday to me.

Anyway, I love it here in Sonoma . . . I love northern California, but I hate school. I've never hated school. I think the only thing I like about school is my apartment because I feel safe.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







running was nice today, though.


goodnight computer.